| How do you know whether you’re lesbian, gay, bisexual or straight? Ultimately it’s up to you to decide for yourself. Some people don’t like to be defined by these labels anyway, as they seem too restricting; but lots of people find a sense of identity through them. A good rule of thumb is “Who catches your eye when you’re walking down the street - girls or guys? Who do I most feel sexually attracted to?” Though for some, sexual orientation seems to be fluid and can change during one’s lifetime. |
| Some people don’t identify as lesbian, gay or bisexual until later in life – probably because we are mostly conditioned when we are young to think of everybody as heterosexual unless proved otherwise. It can take years to realise who we really are. Quite a few LGB people come out after years of marriage, and perhaps have children and even grandchildren. Yet others seem to know they are lesbian, gay or bisexual from a very young age. In other cases, friends or family may realise it before the person himself/herself does! |
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| The process of realising you are lesbian, gay or bisexual and sharing it with others is called “Coming Out”. The first step is COMING OUT TO YOURSELF. This may take a long time, sometimes years. That’s OK. Take your time. If you’re reading this, chances are you’re part-way there at least. |
| It can feel easier to hide your sexuality when you worry that your families, friends, neighbours and workmates will react negatively or in a hostile way. The disadvantage is that the pressure of suppressing your real identity and maybe leading a double life will probably take its toll on your mental well-being. But remember, IT’S OK TO BE UNSURE. Nobody is going to tell you for definite what you are, and not everybody is a clear-cut case of “gay”, “bi” or “straight”. You can choose your own label, or just keep them all in the pending file until you feel one is useful to you. |
| Some people choose to stay in the closet, others explode out of it telling all and sundry about their sexual orientation. Many people are somewhere in between, telling friends but not family, or family but not workmates, or friends and workmates but not family and neighbours. Over the years they may extend the number of people they tell, but coming out is a lifelong process anyway, as you are always meeting new people in different social situations and making that choice of telling them or not. It’s up to you – you know best what you can handle! |
| If you’re ready to come out, PICK SOMEONE SYMPATHETIC. It doesn’t have to be your parents you tell first. In fact, for some LGB people, parents are the last to know. But maybe you have a friend or relative who is fond of you and who you know has generally liberal and tolerant views. Telling the first person is a huge thing -–it does get easier afterwards! Especially if you’ve picked someone who gives you a strongly positive reaction. (You may even find that they guessed long ago, even before you knew yourself!) |
| If you’re less sure about someone’s likely reaction, SUSS THEM OUT. Gay or bisexual storylines in TV soaps, or stories in the news at the moment about LBG celebrities – these are all useful ways of testing out what your friend or relative thinks. |
| If you’re coming out to someone on whom you’re dependent for accommodation (e.g. parents) and are scared you might get thrown out, PREPARE AN ESCAPE ROUTE FIRST in case it goes badly. You may need to stay with a friend or relative for a while till they cool down. Remember, you’ve spent months or years getting to this point in your life, whereas for your parents it may come out of the blue when you tell them. You can’t expect them necessarily to jump in an instant to feeling totally at ease with your newly revealed sexual orientation. Give them time, most parents come round in the end and some parents are really supportive straight away. Organisations like FFLAG (Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) can help, you could maybe give your parents their leaflet so they can talk to other parents who’ve been in their situation. |
GET SUPPORT. Phone an LGB Helpline like Project Oscar – it really does help to talk, even to a stranger. Read other people’s coming-out stories – e.g. the book “There Must be Fifty Ways To tell Your Mother”. You can also check out these LINKS. |
| The Cool Page For Queer Teens |
| Avert - Coming Out Stories |
| Gay/Lesbian Issues - Coming Out Stories |
| Being Gay is OK |
Coming Out and Staying Out (for gay and bisexual men) |
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